It’s a joke. Here is the unnecessarily complete explanation. Had enough? Get help. · Emergency: 911
MethspaceHome of The Sophisticated Tweaker

This page is not satire

Pick the next useful step.

You do not need the right label, a perfect plan, or anyone’s permission to ask for help.

If someone is unconscious, cannot breathe, is having a seizure, has severe chest pain, or is in immediate danger: call 911 now.

For real

We like joking here. We joke about denial, posturing, and turning a disaster into a personality. We do not make fun of getting help.

If your life looks fucked up, treat that as real information. Go get help. It is okay. You do not have to hit a more cinematic bottom first, and you do not have to like every institution on this page. Pick one person or one route you can tolerate and start there.

Start here

Choose the situation

Call 911.

If opioids might be involved, give naloxone if available, lay the person on their side, and stay with them. If you are unsure whether it is an overdose, treat it like one.

Call 911 Poison Control: 1-800-222-1222

Call or text 988.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is free, confidential, and available 24/7 in the United States and its territories. You can contact 988 for yourself or because you are worried about someone else.

Call 988 Text 988

Start with a referral, not a perfect plan.

SAMHSA can identify local treatment, support groups, and community organizations. You can also search directly by location and service type.

Call 1-800-662-HELP Search FindTreatment.gov

Call 211 for local services.

211 connects people with nearby food, housing, transportation, health-care, utility, and other community programs. Calls can be confidential and anonymous.

Call 211 Search 211

Do one thing today

You can walk into a meeting, join one online with the camera off, call a treatment locator, tell one person the truth, or ask somebody to sit beside you while you make the call. You can leave a meeting you hate and try a different one. You can be uncertain and still show up.

Narcotics Anonymous

Find a local NA phone line, an in-person meeting, or a virtual meeting. You can sit and listen.

Find NA

Crystal Meth Anonymous

Find in-person and online CMA meetings by place, day, and time.

Find CMA

Alcoholics Anonymous

Find local A.A. contacts and in-person or online meetings.

Find A.A.

Professional treatment

Search by location, level of care, payment option, and service type.

FindTreatment.gov

We do not expect anything out of you. You do not owe this website a success story. We hope the best for you anyway. Stay persistent with it. If the first person, meeting, clinic, or program is wrong for you, that is a reason to try the next door, not proof that every door is locked.

Numbers worth saving

911 — immediate danger

Call for an unresponsive person, stopped or severely impaired breathing, seizure, severe chest pain, serious violence, or any immediate threat to life.

Call 911

988 — crisis support

Call or text for suicide, emotional distress, mental-health crisis, or a substance-use crisis. Veterans can call 988 and press 1, or text 838255.

Call 988 · Text 988

SAMHSA — treatment referral

Free, confidential treatment information and referrals in English and Spanish, 24 hours a day, every day.

1-800-662-HELP (4357) · FindTreatment.gov

Poison Control

For a possible poisoning or substance exposure, call right away. Do not wait for symptoms. If the person collapses, has a seizure, has trouble breathing, or cannot be awakened, call 911.

1-800-222-1222 · Poison.org

What to do while help is coming

  1. Give the dispatcher the exact location. Include apartment, unit, gate, floor, landmarks, or where to meet responders.
  2. Describe what you see. Breathing, responsiveness, seizure activity, chest pain, temperature, injuries, and anything taken if known.
  3. Use naloxone if opioids could be involved. Stimulants can be contaminated with fentanyl. Naloxone will not reverse stimulant toxicity, but it can reverse an opioid overdose and generally will not harm someone who has not taken opioids.
  4. Stay with the person. Follow the dispatcher’s directions. Place an unconscious but breathing person on their side unless the dispatcher tells you otherwise.
  5. Bring facts, not judgment. Tell responders what you know. Packaging, pills, medication lists, or photos can help clinicians identify exposure.

Planning treatment

You do not need to solve the rest of your life before making one call. When comparing programs, ask whether they accept your insurance or offer sliding-scale care; whether they provide medications when appropriate; what withdrawal support is available; how they handle mental-health conditions; what family involvement looks like; and what aftercare starts before discharge.

Keep a short list of current medications, allergies, medical conditions, emergency contacts, identification and insurance information if available. A treatment provider can tell you what else to bring.

Sources: SAMHSA National Helpline, 988 Lifeline, CDC overdose response, and Poison Control. United States resources; elsewhere, use your local emergency and health services.